[Reported by guest blogger James Ellroy]*
Crypto timed out. Crypto torqued. Crypto fought the good fight. Now its payback. Now the tea time is over. The ladies' lunch is finito. The church cake-walk has been cancelled due to acid rain. Behold the twi-night of weird space-jazz. Toss the flowers on the coffin. Play the fanfare. Close the casket lid. Dimes on the eyelids. Ash to ash. Time to move on. Time to get goin.
Why did they ask me to break the news? Why did they ask me to let you down easy? Cause I don't let anyone off easy. To me, it's a world of panty-sniffers. To me, it's a world full of company stooges with pink erasers for heads. To me, it's a world made entirely of apple-brown betty. To me, it's a world of dope-sick whores eating big sloppy deli sandwiches. Give the peeps what they want, foolio.
Crypto's neon sigh flicks off. Crypto's neon sign flicks back on. Can you read it reeeeal slow? It says "Smooooooooth."
That's right. Smooth jazz is what sells. Wait, where was I? Oh yes. Smoooth jazz. Get used to it, pelican pants. We're talking Scott Amendola in a tuxedo. We're talking Jeff Gauthier sluicing thru "Embraceable You" at the Cha-Cha Lounge at the LAX Hilton. We're talking Alan Pasqua -- also in afore'd tux -- posing next to his piano with one elbow on the keys and holding a red rose to his face. We're talking the Clines of Western Civilization -- Nels and Alex -- jamming with Bob James and Dave Koz at the Playboy Jazz Festival. We're talking new records with distincto titles. The Ben Goldberg Orchestra's The Way You Make Me Feel When You Make Me Feel That Way. Myra Melford's Harmonium in a Terrarium. Darek Oles' Impressions of a Beverly Hills Acura Dealership.
Hold it. My sentences are getting too long...
LA is one long human processional. LA is the Balkans of the West. LA is a skin flick without the skin, the dialogue or the soundtrack. Crypto is the spackle for that hole. Crypto is now smoooooth. As apple butter. As a mastiff's belly. As Hugh Hefner's pajamas. It's about time.
It is eminently do-able. It's within the realm of possibility.
Like, f'rinstance, me going this whole time without once mentioning The Black Dahlia or Johnny Stompananto. See? It can be done, you hipster hives.
*[Happy April Fools Day, from the gang at Crypto]
