We found this hilarious post from one Jay Norem on the All About Jazz bulletin board. In the tradition of the season of sharing and caring without wanting to punch someone squarely in the face, we decided to pass on the wisdom -- although #2 is news to us.
QUALITIES THE MODERN JAZZ MUSICIAN NEEDS AND REQUIRES
1. THE MODERN JAZZ MUSICIAN DOESN'T KID HIMSELF.
These days, the jazz player needs to remind himself that his kind are a dime-a-dozen, and anyway, it's all been done before. So the wise musician must embark on a path of training that would rival that of the professional athlete. He must rise at dawn, drink no more than one-half glass of a glass of water (from the tap), eat one grape (green) and then begin his daily nine-hour regimen of practice on his instrument.
2. THE MODERN DAY JAZZ MUSICIAN MUST ABSTAIN FROM SEX.
Sex is poison to the jazz musician. It saps his will to live, to play; it saps his will to sequester himself alone in a room filled with books.
3. THE MODERN DAY JAZZ MUSICIAN MUST OWN THE MOST EXPENSIVE MUSICIAL EQUIPMENT AVAILABLE.
This is crucial. As any great artist will tell you, nothing motivates you more than being in debt, particularly if you're married and not having any sex (see above.)
4. THE MODERN DAY JAZZ MUSICIAN MUST CULTIVATE LOW SELF-ESTEEM
Again, very crucial. The jazz player must cultivate the pity of his friends and family. He must constantly apologize to his mother, wife, or whoever, for his lack of success in his chosen field, success that he knows was never to be his in the first place. If the jazz player has children he must do the right thing and commit suicide.
Happy Holidays. Now get back to work.